Ashes of Merciless Read online

  I bit my lip to hold back a snicker. “You weren’t doing so hot the day I found you. You gave a guy a fat lip. That’s nothing.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Need I remind you I was a little suicidal that day?”

  “Whatever.” I looked him up and down. He was slightly shorter and definitely less muscular than Gage, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. I was five and two inches and I could hold my own better than anyone else I knew.

  “Stop checking me out.”

  The blood drained quickly from my face. “I was not, you egotistical—”

  “What weapons do we have?” he asked suddenly, a small smile playing around his lips.

  I fought the urge to punch him. Connection or not, he was starting to annoy the crap out of me.

  “Not much, and I won’t leave everyone here weaponless. Do you know how to use a gun?”

  He gave me a hard look in response.

  “Good, although I really don’t want to use them if we don’t have too. Too noisy.”

  Aden drummed his fingers against his thigh. “So you plan on sneaking around and snapping necks? Cutting throats?”

  I pointed at him. “Now you’re thinking. Surely you know the Assassins rarely used guns on the Assignments?”

  “Of course I know that! It just seems like this will be harder the old-fashioned way.”

  “Gunshots going off and letting everyone know where we’re at, that’s what will make our lives harder.”

  “What about all the cameras?” he asked.

  “We’ll figure something out.”

  “Fine. Guns are emergency-use only until you say so, but I hope you have something better than that pocketknife.”

  I twirled the knife between my shaking fingers.

  “Aden, if this pocketknife was all I had anyway, I can promise you I’d still be perfectly fine.”

  He whistled low under his breath. “Scaaarrry. You know, you just might be crazy enough to pull this off.”

  I closed my eyes as a light breeze swirled my hair around my face, and I thought I heard Ash’s laughter in the wind.

  “I hope so,” I said.

  Chapter 16 Confessions

  Gage,

  I worry you will not forgive me. I worry you will blame yourself. Please understand that this is the only way. I cannot and will not allow you or the others to risk your lives when it makes so much more sense for it to be me.

  Aden is with me. I know you don’t trust him, and that’s another reason why he and he alone is with me. If he isn’t the ally I think he is, then only I will suffer from my mistake. No one else will suffer from my mistakes.

  I know this will not be like anything I’ve ever done before. I know I might not come back. But you know me. You know I will not go down easy if it comes to that. But I promise you, I will give everything I have to succeed and come back to you.

  I can’t risk you. I can’t lose you. You saved my life, Gage, in more ways than one. I love you. I love you more than anyone or anything. I wish we could have been together sooner. I wish I wouldn’t have been so blind, so afraid. This time I have spent with you, even among all the bad things that’s happened, has been the most peaceful of my life. Thank you.

  Please forgive me.

  Always,

  Ashley

  The words blurred slightly before my eyes as I placed the letter on the bedside table.

  I went to my knees beside the bed where Gage was sleeping. One of his arms was on my side of the bed, oblivious to my absence. It pained my heart, especially when his fingers twitched. It was like he was reaching for something that wasn’t there.

  I wanted to touch him. I wanted to kiss him.

  I knew I couldn’t risk it, and I knew the longer I stared at his sleeping face, the harder it would be for me to leave. Already, I was having second thoughts. My body felt glued to the floor, my eyes unable to tear themselves away from his face.

  Unconsciously, my fingers reached for him, and I realized my cheeks were wet. I forced my hand back down to my side before I made contact, and it hurt somewhere deep in my chest to do so.

  This was the last time I would ever see Gage. I realized I wasn’t even breathing.

  One more time. I just wanted to see his eyes again. Just one last time.

  My fingers stroked the dagger sheathed at my waist. I was very lucky to have found some of Viola’s old Assignment clothes tucked away in the very bottom of her dresser. I wore a long-sleeved black shirt, the material tight and comfortable. I also had a belt made for holding weapons, black leather pants made for running and easy mobility, and black leather boots that didn’t make a sound when moving. The fit wasn’t perfect, but it was better than having to wear Viola’s jeans and one of Gage’s T-shirts, which was what I’d originally thought I would have to wear.

  I stared at the dark emerald in the hilt of the dagger. Scott must have brought my bag to Headquarters when he’d found me, and somehow Gage or one of the others had managed to bring it along when they’d escaped. I’d found it in the bedside drawer next to the bag of morphine.

  The familiar dagger against my side made it easier to breathe. It was almost like having a piece of Gage with me.

  I memorized Gage’s face one last time and forced myself up off the floor, quietly shouldering a duffel bag. I was very careful to not look back as I left the room.

  I paused momentarily before each door in the hallway, my throat thick and my hands shaking more than usual.

  They were going to survive. I was going to make this world safe again for all of them.

  I went to the front door and hesitated, looking back at Lacey who was still curled up in a ball with her hands clasped over her ears.

  I took a deep, shuddering breath and left the house.

  Aden was waiting in the passenger seat, his eyes unreadable in the darkness as I entered Viola’s old car.

  I threw the bag onto his lap, and he let out a groan as the weight crushed his thighs.

  “Easy!” he said irritably.

  “There are some clothes in there for you, right on top. You need to change,” I said as I backed out of the driveway, leaving the headlights off.

  “Right now?”

  I eyed his bright white shirt and red shorts.

  “No, I thought we’d stop at the nearest mall and let you use the fitting rooms.”

  Aden raised his eyebrows.

  “Yes, now!” I snapped.

  He muttered something inaudible as he tugged his shirt over his head. I flicked the headlights on as I drove along the long driveway.

  “I’d just hate to distract you with this sexiness while you’re trying to drive,” he said as he put on one of Gage’s black shirts.

  I snorted as I pulled out onto the road. “It’s not doing anything for me, trust me.”

  “You know, since we’re riding along merrily to our deaths, you could be a little nicer.”

  “I don’t really feel like it,” I said sardonically, flashing him a bright grin.

  “You're a little scary,” he said as he pulled on a pair of Gage’s black jeans.

  “Good. Let’s hope the people at Headquarters feel the same way about me.” I inclined my head toward the duffel bag. “Listen, there’s morphine in there. If a relapse comes on, I’m going to need you to administer it to me, ok?”

  Aden was buckling on the spare weapons belt I’d found. “Don’t you think I should be driving since you’re likely to lock up in pain at any moment?”

  “Not a chance.”

  “What? You can’t seriously not trust me and bring me along to do this,” he protested, his eyes glinting in the darkness.

  “I’m driving. You’re not. Get over it.”

  “Are you always like this?”

  “Recently I seemed to have mellowed out a bit.”

  Aden opened his mouth to speak, but closed it as he shook his head. He sighed and put his head against the window.

  I looked over at him. His eyes were closed. Anger bled
through me, and I punched his shoulder.

  “Ow! What’s your problem?” he shot, his eyes flying open. He cradled his shoulder and glared at me.

  “What’s yours? You’re seriously going to sleep?”

  “It’s three in the morning!”

  “So? You think I’m not tired?” I said as I came to a stop sign, purposely slamming on the brakes and sending Aden into the dashboard. He glared at me as he settled back into the seat.

  I smiled sweetly at him. “That’s what you get for not wearing your seatbelt,” I said.

  I was in pain, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed with Gage and curl up against him. I knew it was wrong to take my misery out on Aden, but I couldn’t seem to help it. My chest was hurting from heart palpitations, and the warm haven of the morphine was gone.

  Aden flicked me off and turned to look out the window. “Do you even know where you are?” he grumbled.

  “Yes. We’re about three hours from Headquarters.”

  Aden’s face looked relieved. “Good. The sooner we get this over with, the better.”

  I studied him out of the corner of my eye. His shoulders were hunched. His fingers were wrapped around the straps of the duffel bag, and they shook slightly. Empathy welled up within me, washing away some of the bitterness.

  “Scared?” I whispered, not unkindly.

  His fingers tightened on the straps. “Yeah. Are you?”

  I turned into the parking lot of a twenty-four-hour gas station.

  “Yes,” I replied softly.

  “Gas?” he asked as I parked next to a pump.

  “Wow. It wouldn’t take anything for you to get into a prestigious college, would it? I’m going to get us some coffee, too. I can’t have you passing out on me,” I said as I exited the car, hiding my dagger underneath my shirt.

  Once we were back on the road, Aden was noticeably energized by the caffeine. I sipped mine slowly, not drinking nearly as much as I wanted. The caffeine made my heart flutter more than usual.

  Aden rubbed his shoulder. “You really can pack a punch for someone with little hands.”

  I put my coffee back into the cup holder. “I was trained to cause pain.”

  He leaned his head back. “My whole life consisted of training. Memorizing Merciless’s history and codes, basic combat training, learning how to run the whole thing . . . I never even wanted it. I blocked out so much of it.”

  I rubbed my eyes, trying to fight the fatigue in my bones. “I don’t think many of us wanted this life.”

  Aden drummed his fingers against his coffee cup. “I wouldn’t be so sure of that. I know there were people who found joy in the work, and others found happiness knowing they were ridding the world of certain people.”

  I thought about Ariel, and my stomach lurched slightly. She had told me the world needed us. And then I thought of Scott and his savage glee.

  I smelled smoke, and my hands tightened on the steering wheel.

  “Easy. Save it for when the time comes,” Ash said inside my head.

  I snorted at the distorted voice. “And this is coming from you,” I muttered.

  “Huh?” Aden asked, surprise in his voice.

  “Nothing. Just talking to myself.”

  “Do you do that a lot?” he asked cautiously.

  I couldn’t help the smile that bubbled up. “Sometimes. It’s getting better.”

  Aden blinked a couple times, looking unsure of my response.

  “I’m sorry about your mother,” I said to distract him. Also, there was an invisible thread tied between us, everything in common you didn’t want in common with another person.

  He fiddled with the sleeve of Gage’s shirt. “Thanks,” he mumbled miserably. “She was . . . all I had. I wanted to get us out of there years ago, but I knew there was no place we could go where they wouldn’t eventually find us.” He looked at me, the blue of his eyes too bright. “You said my father had your family killed. I can't trust what my father told me about your dad's death to be the truth. What happened?”

  Suddenly, there wasn’t enough air in the car, and my breathing became too shallow. I shook my head to clear the dizziness.

  “My father found out about the Master corrupting Merciless, so he was sent on an Assignment that would ensure his demise. Your father spared my mom so she could drink herself to death. He had my home burned, and that resulted in her dying. And he spared me to make me a child Assassin—something far crueler than any gunshot wound,” I said quietly, sipping air quickly.

  “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “My father had me memorize information on all of the members, their pictures and everything, but things blurred together. I never paid as much attention as I was supposed to. Like I said, I never wanted it.”

  “Do you remember anything about the Garreth bloodline?” I asked slowly.

  Aden closed his eyes in thought. “Just that they have always been the best Assassins. My dad mentioned that your ancestors were known for being enigmatic and sarcastic.” His eyes opened and settled on me. “Somehow, I’m not surprised.”

  “Interesting,” I said with a slight smile.

  “Have you never met your grandparents? Contact with them is not forbidden.”

  “Only unlikely,” I corrected. “My mother, of course, had no family. I spent time with my father’s parents when I was a child. But my grandmother, the Assassin before my father, killed herself with pills after my dad died. Not too long after that, my grandfather died of a heart attack. My mother said he died from grief.”

  Aden’s face was shadowed. “That’s right. I remember now. Gage’s grandparents are dead, too. Car accident. I’m really sorry, Ashley.”

  I shrugged, trying to act as if it didn’t bother me. “That’s Merciless. The lives of our families are practically held at gunpoint to keep us in line, yet no one bothers to think about how the actions impact other family we might have that’s in the safe zone. Now almost all of the bloodlines are gone.”

  Aden’s shoulders sagged. “It makes me ill to think about it. You know what I always wanted to do? Disband Merciless.”

  “That would have been awesome, but no one has that power.”

  “I know. Anyone who suggests such a thing is to be killed on sight, including the Master,” Aden said miserably.

  “Yeah. Quite a group we’re a part of,” I said. “You wipe your butt the wrong way, you get shot.”

  “We’re not a part of it any longer,” Aden corrected, trying to hide a hesitant smile.

  I bit my lip, almost hard enough to draw blood. “This isn’t over yet.” I sped the car up, the needle touching seventy. “Do you remember anything about the Calviens? Gage’s family?” I asked to distract myself.

  “Not much. I think I remember reading that they have a temper.”

  I laughed quietly, picturing the dark green eyes I loved so much clouding with anger on a daily basis.

  “And the Verinas?”

  “They were described as overly kind, or maybe it was exceedingly cruel. Can’t recall which one,” he replied.

  I smiled softly. “Kind. It was that they are kind.”

  “Shane’s a Verina, right? He punched me. That’s not very kind,” Aden retorted as he touched his bruised lips.

  I gave Aden a stern look. “Shane’s grandparents and friends were killed. It was one of the worst days of his life.”

  “I didn’t know those people like you all did. I only knew them from a distance. So if it seems like I don’t care, trust me when I say that I do.”

  I took a gulp of my lukewarm coffee. “You don’t have to prove anything to me. Just help me.”

  “I want to do this just as much as you do. I promise you that,” Aden said almost fiercely.

  We rode in silence for a while. Aden stared at his coffee cup while I tried to focus on staying between the yellow and white lines. Anticipation and fear battled inside me, each one trying to outdo the other. I was going to explode into pieces, I just knew it. My hands shook
more than usual.

  “I’ll help you. You know I will,” Ash said.

  I sighed quietly. “I guess it’s a good thing you’re still around.”

  “You guess? I still can’t believe you’re trying to get rid of me.”

  “People aren’t supposed to have more than one person stuffed inside of them, Ash.” I clenched my teeth in frustration.

  “People aren’t supposed to go on suicide missions, but look what you’re doing. Sure, you’ll kill the Master and Scott with your bare hands, but then you’re going to detonate Merciless’s bomb to make sure you got everybody. You’ll make sure Aden gets out beforehand. You’ll give him some sort of reason to go back to the car before you, but you’ll be too weak to get out in time. You’ll try to escape; I know you will. But we won’t make it, Ashley. Not in our condition.”

  Iced razors pricked my heart.

  “Ashley?” Aden said, snatching me away from my internal conversation.

  “Yeah?” I asked, my reply a little too delayed.

  “The people you’ve killed . . . Does it bother you? I mean, are you ok with killing more?”

  I looked at him almost angrily, and the car swerved slightly.

  “Killing the Master and Scott will not bother my conscious in the slightest, but did killing all of those murderers and rapists bother me? Of course it did.”

  Aden’s eyebrows furrowed. “So you don’t think they deserved death?”

  “I suppose it’s a matter of perspective. Did those people deserve to have their lives taken away, or was it better for them to get locked up in nice little cells? Maybe they did deserve death, but who was I to deliver that fate? Aden, killing people is not easy, even knowing what I knew. It haunts me all the time. You have no idea what it’s done to me.”

  “Ashley—”

  “I see them, you know? When I’m trying to go to sleep sometimes. It’s not darkness behind my eyelids—it’s faces, and the color red. There’s always so much blood as they taunt me. They tell me I’m a hypocrite, a murderer who deserves the same.”

  “Ashley—”

  “And you know what? That’s one of the reasons why I think I deserve the Flameblood. It’s my punishment. I—”

  “Ashley!”